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Children and Divorce
So much has been written on this subject. There are so many people out there loading guilt on the shoulders of The Unholy Divorced, that if we are not careful we will all end up paranoid. As if we need more to worry about; bad enough dealing with a spouse, two solicitors and the in-laws, without taking a guilt trip over the effects of divorce on children. So let’s try and clear the air a bit, shall we?First of all let’s all admit that yes, divorce is not good for children. We know that. We most certainly do not need telling. If we could get along without divorce we would. But we can’t. Think of the children, is the endless cry. Make the marriage work for their sake, they say. We’ve all heard that one. Most of us have given it a good shot. Hey, life is short. How much of it are we prepared to spend giving it a good shot? Some - but not all.
Moving on - another favourite from the Too Perfect to Divorce” pressure lobby: Children from divorced families have psychological problems in later life. I’m sorry but please spare us that one. There are so many opportunities in modern life to develop psychological problems, that to cite divorce as one of them becomes practically irrelevant. Even within the secure family unit problems can arise from abusive parents, constant arguments between parents who are trying to make it work, absent parents - the list goes on. What really matters when it comes to child psychology is the relationship a parent has with their child – not the relationship a parent has with the other parent. The success of a parent to parent relationship does not affect the child unless the child is drawn into it. This can happen during divorce, as at any other time, but it doesn't have to.
There is a fine line to draw when it comes to involvement of children in divorce. Involve them, yes, but up to a point. Talk to them and explain why you are getting divorced, so that they understand. But there is a difference between involving and using. A parent who uses the children to “get to” their divorcing or divorced spouse is setting themselves up for a broken relationship with their child in the long term. Two words here to remember: Dignity and Respect. Get rid of those and you have lost your authority and therefore your role as a parent figure. Authority is important in parenting, as is love and trust. But these are all part of the same fragile package that makes up a parent/child relationship.
Divorce your spouse if you must – but don’t divorce your children.
The use of children as a tool in divorce to affect the other party is more common than you may imagine. It happens for obvious reasons: a wife facing the prospect of losing home and husband can be tempted to turn the children against the father as a means of punishment. This may have an effect in the short term, but most children wise up to this pretty quickly. Those that don’t will probably suffer more than the parent who is on the receiving end. Bitter resentment towards an ex-partner is something that most of us can get over. But bitter resentment felt towards a parent is another matter. Spare your children that much and they will thank you for it.
This kind of attitude is by no means limited to wives. Husbands do it just as well – sometimes with devastating consequences. In the race to emerge victorious we can all lose our way. Unhappiness can lead us to places we should never go, but the way out of the spiral of misery divorce can create is often right in front of us. Look in the mirror and observe yourself. Are you managing the situation with dignity? Are you showing a minimum of respect for your spouse, in spite of everything? Draw yourself up to your best moral height. The key qualities of Dignity and Respect will put you back in the driving seat. When it comes to winning the divorce game, a victory is not always a moral victory but a moral victory will always be a victory.
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